In relationships, trust, respect, and support are essential for a strong connection. However, some partners may attempt to control the other, leading to imbalance and stress. This behavior, influenced by insecurities, power dynamics, or psychological issues, can manifest in various ways, from subtle manipulation to outright dominance. Recently, a Reddit user reached out to the online community for advice regarding her husband’s irrational demand.
She wrote:
“This is the weirdest thing my husband has ever done. He really is a sweet and loving husband, and I love him more than anything. My husband has always been a little out there. He is a computer programmer and super smart, but also believes all sorts of things. Both real and conspiracy.
Lately, he has been very worried about the environment and global warming. About two months ago, he got real worried about water. Yes, water. He is concerned about the quality of water. He put in a new filter system in our house, which I actually love because it tastes so much better.
But he is also concerned about how much water we use. Not because of money, but the environment. He created a new rule that we can only take 2 showers a week. Now, I’m someone that likes to shower every day before bed. I just don’t like feeling dirty in bed.”
She went on saying:
“This has created the most conflict in our marriage in 20 years. He became obsessed with the amount of water we use. At first, I just ignored his rule, but he would shut off the hot water while I was in the shower. I started trying to use the shower at the gym, but it’s too much work to go every night with having kids. I honestly thought he would get over this within a month. But he is stuck on this still to this day.
Last night, I really needed a shower, but had ’hit my quota’ as he says. I said I’m showering and that he’d better not do anything. But about two minutes in, he turned off the hot water. I grabbed my towel and went down and started yelling. Telling him this is the dumbest thing he has ever done. I also told him I’m moving to my parents if he doesn’t stop this.
Guys, I feel trapped now as I really love this man. He is everything to me, but I can’t take this anymore. Am I going too far in threatening to move out?”
Other Redditors weighed in with their advice and perspectives, leaving comments such as:
- You have a choice. You either continue to live this way with the understanding that it is water today... and could be food tomorrow. Or, you could get real with him and tell him his ideas are silly, and you refuse to subscribe to any more nonsense.
He sounds like a smart guy, but also a bit crazy. I mean, computers use more energy than anything.... maybe he should find a new line of work that doesn’t hurt the environment so much... See how silly it sounds? © Artimities / Reddit
- This sounds exactly like a mental health episode, like he has a compulsion regarding saving water. I definitely think you should start up marriage counselling, and I do think moving out for a bit might be a good idea. I don’t think you need to get a divorce at once, and I don’t think he’s being controlling for the sake of controlling. © WhimsicalError / Reddit
- Ecologist here. I work in some parts of the world that have been hit very hard by climate change and associated drought. What your husband is doing is not scientific, sanitary or particularly sane. People in places much drier than where you live — people who have practiced highly conscientious water use for decades — still practice better hygiene than your husband is allowing.
You and your husband can take short, water-conserving showers daily, save water and still be clean and comfortable. The amount of water saved beyond that, by not showering at all, is beyond trivial, and the cost to your mental health is absolutely not worth it.
Anyway, this isn’t about water conservation, because your husband is having no impact whatsoever on water issues. This about obsessive and controlling behavior. You love him, and you won’t leave him, but whether you move out or not, you should insist he sees a therapist right away. © GDswamp / Reddit
- This is insanely controlling, and I hate when people do things like this. The amount of water used in a household is incomparable to the amount used by corporations that are actually damaging the environment. © AcanthisittaTiny710 / Reddit
- In my book, turning off the hot water while you’re in the shower is crossing the border. Stating your preference and making a request is understandable, but taking away someone else’s bodily autonomy is violence. Turning off the hot water may be passive-aggressive, but he’s still making the choice for his wife about whether she can clean herself or not.
I wouldn’t up and divorce him immediately, but this situation definitely warrants counseling to learn why he feels he has this right to control others and how to stop it, and you’re doing the right thing to stay somewhere else until he gets over whatever is going on with him. You could also benefit from therapy to find out why you love this man with all your heart when it’s clearly not reciprocated in a healthy way with respect for your boundaries. This goes beyond a personality quirk or oddball personal interest. © i-split-infinitives / Reddit
- Tech also takes a large amount of water to produce and use, funny enough. How does he think servers and data centers are cooled? As a programmer, he probably uses some amount of AI, which is a huge water draw, to the point that environmentalists are becoming very concerned. © TheDreamingMyriad / Reddit
In a different scenario, a woman shared her dilemma where her husband, who exhibits controlling behavior, secretly tried to get her pregnant despite her decision to remain childfree. Find her letter here.
