Many couples face tension when one partner is childfree by choice while the other hopes they’ll change their mind. These situations often bring up issues of boundaries, financial struggles, and respect in relationships.
Hello Bright Side,
So here’s some backstory: I grew up poor, hand-me-downs from cousins that were already falling apart. My parents worked very hard, but it was still never enough, and as the oldest, I basically raised my siblings. Babysitting, cooking, making sure homework got done, you name it. I didn’t get to have much of a childhood because I was always “mom #2.”
That’s a big reason I decided early on that I don’t want kids. Ever. I’ve done the diapers, the crying at 2 am, the “sorry you don’t get to hang out with your friends because someone has to watch the baby.” Been there, hated that.
Fast forward: I’m in my mid-20s now, living with my boyfriend. I love him. He’s kind, funny, and we click on so many levels. But he has this idea that I’ll eventually “change my mind” about kids. I’ve told him straight-up: no, I won’t. I don’t want to repeat the cycle of poverty, and honestly, I just want to live for myself for once. We’re both working, but we barely cover bills as is. A kid would break us financially and mentally.
You're not going to change your mind. If you don't want kids, that's up to you. You get to make that big decision for your life. The other side of that is that so does he. He's not going to change his mind, either. And he shouldn't have to anymore than you do. Unfortunately, that's a major red flag for your relationship. Neither of you are wrong, but that's a big life choice that makes you incompatible. I'm sorry.
One day, he called, super excited: “I have a big surprise, I adopted a puppy for you.” I never saw that coming. His reasoning? He wanted me to “see how caring for someone else could change my mind.” I’m not anti-puppy, but I’m definitely not okay with a living creature being used as some kind of experiment to push me toward having kids.
Time to move on. He can't change you and you can't change him. Puppy is another kid to take care of.
Now I feel stuck. I love him, but this feels like he’s not taking me seriously. It feels like my boundaries are being ignored. Bright Side, what do I do here? Is this a huge red flag or just an annoying misstep? Would you stay and try to work through it, or is this one of those deal-breaker moments?
Thank you in advance,
Ava.
If he wants to stay with you he needs to accept the fact that you don't want children or move on. If he chooses to stay he need know children is not a topic for discussion period.
Thank you so much for sharing your story, Ava! It takes courage to open up about something so personal. We really wanted to honor that by gathering a few pieces of advice that might give you different perspectives. Hopefully, something here helps you feel a little more supported and less alone.
While these situations can be challenging, open communication and mutual respect can help couples find common ground. With understanding and honesty, it’s possible to honor each other’s choices and strengthen the relationship.
Read next — “I Refused to Be Blamed for Not Giving My MIL a Grandchild, but She Was Hiding Something Big”
Sounds like a nice dude & you love him BUT.... Time to friendszone him
Brake up with him because he won't stop
I agree. It's time to let go and say goodbye. It's sad. It hurts - but he's NOT listening to you. You've told him - several times you've already raised your children and don't want any more. A puppy is a two year old child that will require potty training (is he going to help with that?), socialization (which includes walking and playing in dog parks is he going to help with that?), obedience training (because dogs don't train themselves - and that costs money - is he going to pay for that and attend classes as well?). Puppies need shots and routine vet care (which costs money even if you purchase vet insurance is he going to help pay for that and take the puppy for vet visits?) Then you have grooming (depending on the dog's coat that could be weekly to once every three months - which again costs money and time will be help with that?) Then there's puppy food and the really good brands are expensive for a reason and depending on how big the puppy gets (some breeds require two cups of food a day just to maintain good health) is he going to help with that? I won't even get into treats, leads vs harness, walk training, food and water bowls, dry vs wet vs both. His decision, his puppy, his problem, time to walk.
He got YOU a puppy to care for? I'd make it clear he got himself a puppy to care for. I wonder how long it will take him to find puppy a new home?
let him go and break up with him, he obviously wants kids and you don't, whatever happens in the future likely one of you will end up resenting the other. Its hard but probably the kindest thing
